Judgement.
Originally uploaded by andrewvan78

As women we are innately judgmental. Through judging others we draw comparisons between ourselves and our perception of others. This in itself is not an entirely thought provoking concept; though a facet of this which is rarely considered is that what we are comparing our inner self to someone else's outer self, not necessarily to their appearance, but to the version of themselves that they project publicly. This is a flawed mentality but one that is prevalent amongst the fairer sex and difficult to escape. A key to determining and reaching positive self worth is not to use others as a control by which to judge yourself but rather by using your current self as a control against the version of yourself that you aspire to become. Working towards implementing positive actions around becoming the person you ultimately strive to be and setting mini goals by which to review your progress is far more beneficial then the act of judge and compare.

There are several steps you can take in order to escape the practice of comparing yourself to those around you and ultimately avoid the negative self talk, or self-righteous superiority, that this sort of judgment brings about. One part of this is acknowledging that judging other people and drawing comparisons based on these judgments is not a valid indicator of your own self worth. To realise this it is important to focus on the idea of people as multi dimensional and understand that the dimension most people project publicly will be the best version of themselves; it is human nature to obscure flaws.

Another important objective is to have an understanding of the different aspects that constitute the makeup of a person overall. A good start point for this kind of awareness is to focus on basic components of inner self versus those of outer (or projected) self. While these will vary from person to person, some points to consider could include emotions, personal and financial obligations and spirituality as facets of the inner self and physical appearance, body language, general demeanor as those of the outer self. A simple example of misinformed and negative judge and compare would be to be envious of another persons good looks and great attitude but to not realise that despite these positive outer facets they are unsatisfied with their career and have a very sick mother, two such points that do not induce envy.

Ultimately what we should all strive to achieve is to break the habit of judge and compare. This, like most things, is easier said than done as we are often quite set in our habits and behaviours and so when we choose to make changes, however small, this provides a challenge. However, through positive actions and planning changing negative behaviours is certainly achievable. The key is to use your judgement of others in a positive light. Identify aspects of their outer self that you are drawn to, tailor the characteristic to fit and emulate it in your own conduct. Being open to positive self change is an admirable quality and by allowing yourself to learn from the positive facets of others you can retrain your mind to focus on self improvement and break the cycle of negative self talk that would usually be associated with judging others.

Try this:

Dedicate a page in your notebook to listing the positive personality attributes you see in others and want to improve in yourself, ie. Improve confidence, relax & laugh more! One you've identified the 'what', you can develop a plan for the 'how'. This exercise will help you discover what you value in others and how to achieve these characteristics in yourself.

Compliment those who you would usually judge. Instead of thinking 'Gee, she has much nicer clothes than I do', pay a compliment such as 'I really like your outfit' and concentrate on creating your own look that you can be satisfied with. This way you are using judgmental energy positively and striving towards self improvement all at once!

Make a personal profile. Type it up, jot it in your journal, do whatever works best for you. Make a heading at the top of the page: 'WHO I AM'. Below this make two columns: 'Inner Self' and 'Outer Self'. Under these headings write down all the characteristics you feel you currently possess and compare the columns. Do you have a consistent overall profile or do the different facets of who you are conflict? For example, you exhibit a confident exterior when there is an emotionally hurt inside; or perhaps you feel fabulous inside, but you don't put much effort into your physical appearance? Once you know the areas of variance you can work towards a resolution. This activity is much like the first, but it's more focused on who you are currently, though, like the first activity, this will also help you engage in plan to move towards the best version of yourself.

Allowing your Outer Self reflect Inner Self, Points to Note:

Find yourself envying someone's aesthetic? Again, identify & plan to achieve, ie. Find out what hair products Sally uses to get such shiny hair, recognise how wonderful bright colours can look & so endeavour to introduce more colour into your own wardrobe. Spend an afternoon entirely devoted to refining your physical self, if this is an area you feel you are critical of. Experiment with new hair styles, makeup or none at all, try lots of combinations of outfits you've not tried previously - find what works best for you. It's okay to admire other people's appearance but remember that self development is about being the best version of yourself, not becoming someone else. Also remember that your physical self is only one part of who you are, albeit, a part that is out there for the world to see & so it should reflect who you feel you are on the inside ie. Wild and crazy? Maybe a few bold streaks of colour through your hair will make a good fit. Girly and sophisticated? Perhaps French tipped nails are for you.

Pay close attention to what it is you are admiring in regards to other peoples appearance. It may be that you think your straight brown hair is rather plain compared with the funky cropped & coloured look sported by your best mate. The object here is to identify why you prefer her hair- it is probably more about the originality of the style than the actual colour/cut. The way to then apply this attribute to your own hair style would be to ask yourself: What style would be original for me and portray who I am?

Over to you: How to you work on projecting the best version of you? Do these points on judgement and comparison resonate with you at all?